A Personal Growth Coaching for you if you want to be More Empathetic? Avoid These 8 Responses
Before thinking of other people who do these things- Consider yourself. Hold up a mirror and ask-- when someone is sharing difficult news or struggling how do I normally respond?
Let’s define first the Difference Between Sympathy and Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Feeling "WITH" someone
Sympathy is feelings of pity and sorry FOR someone’s misfortune
8 Examples of Unempathetic People
The Avoider
The Avoider is the person who looks at you with a blank stare when you're sharing.
They will look at their phone or look away
Anything to get out of this difficult conversation.
They may come up with an excuse to leave the conversation quickly
The Silver Lining Specialist
They want you to see the positive side of things.
Usually enneagram type 2, 7 or 9 (Positive Outlook Triad)
Claims that everything occurs for a purpose/ reason.
These responses make sense, but they actually make others feel worse by downplaying suffering and minimizing emotions.
Usually they are uncomfortable with you being uncomfortable and want to move you through the negativity more quickly.
The Advisor
Believe they need to "Fix" something that is "wrong" (Hint: Feeling uncomfortable emotions or going through a tough situation doesn't need to be "fixed")
Feel the need to come up with solutions and give unwanted advice.
"Have you tried..." or "What if you..." or "You just need to..."
Empathy doesn't look like "fixing" or "solving" it looks like holding space and reflecting back the person's feelings.
The Minimizer
Minimizers try to reduce the size of the issue so they can leave the discussion or downplay emotional responses from the person sharing.
They simply remain silent or make an effort to convince you that your circumstances are not that bad.
They start sentences with "At least..."
Another common phrase is, "You're making this into a bigger deal than it is." This is extremely invalidating to the person sharing their feelings.
The Storyteller
Some people may feel they are relating to others by telling a personal story that "connects" with what you are sharing.
While the intention is pure- the outcome is taking the spotlight off of the person struggling and onto the person who is sharing their personal story.
Asking more questions from your own experiences or saying something supportive that may have helped you in the moment is a better way of connecting in the moment.
It's ok to share your personal experiences to connect but not in the middle of someone else's story.
The One Upper
This is a more exaggerated version of the story teller and the minimizer mixed together.
They use their own personal experiences to downplay what is happening to you.
Their situation is worse than yours, their problem is bigger than yours, their suffering was longer than yours...
Look up: Comparative Suffering
This is extremely invalidating to the person sharing- and can induce feelings of shame.
If you have a tendency to do this, please stop. There is no positive replacement besides keep your stories to yourself.
The Spiritualizer
Although there are many circumstances people may be "Asking for prayers" simply responding with "I'm praying for you." Is not empathizing.
Sharing quotes from the bible or saying you will pray for someone can feel like receiving unwanted advice or being dismissed.
If you know the other person prays and would appreciate a prayer- ask them if you can pray with them in the moment. Or type out the prayer with supportive and encouraging words to help them feel seen and cared for.
I'm not saying to never pray for someone, but don't confuse that with genuine empathy.
The Dramatist
The person who responds so emotionally charged that someone ends up having to console them instead of the other way around.
I think of these people as the ones who "can't handle" the news and people walk on egg shells to share tough things with them.
Consider how big of an emotional response you're having to things and try to stay a bit more equanimous or grounded.
Which of these is most common for you?
Let me know which one in the comments you have a tendency towards and if you'd like an alternative response.
Knowing someone's enneagram type can also help you learn how to connect with them and empathize for "WHY" they are struggling. Remembering someone's core motivations can give you more empathy and understanding for how they approach the world.
